My morning began with me tossing and turning in my bed. I tried desperately to fall back asleep and dream of Tom Hiddleston (yum), but the fact that I had to pee so badly made me get up (the only reason I’d get up early in the morning besides Christmas or my birthday…sometimes the smell of freshly brewed coffee).
Or even later than that…
Mornings aren’t my thing. So when I can get up and shower and have time to put on makeup and have a cup of coffee, I feel an overall satisfaction to my day even if it ends horribly. After that I gun it to school. Trust me, if I was anywhere as assertive in real life as I am on the road, life would be more fulfilling. Granted I don’t flip someone the bird or curse a bunch of obscenities (road rage is killer). I’m sure people would think I was insane. My days are long. Finally a full time college student. It’s incredibly rewarding and intimidating. The campus is so large and beautiful.
I go to the University of Texas at Dallas. I’m majoring in Emerging Media and Communication (EMAC).
Sometimes I ask myself if I’m really here or if I really deserve this. It’s hard to see yourself as a hardworking successful person when you were the opposite all through high school. But it’s something I have to pinch myself with and remind how much I’ve grown as a individual over the past five years. It’s really maddening to lose perspective, and if you’re like me and constantly obsessing over your life choices you lose it frequently. Even as I sit at a table on campus writing about this I think about how I want my day to go by fast, does that desire make me a lazy person? I think about how this semester will end and what my future semesters will be like, I think about how I will be in the future. Will I be any more confident? Will I be thin again? Will I be happy? Just a few of the things I think about and obsess over on a daily basis. The minute I get home at the end of the day is when I’m happiest. I cuddle next to my dog Hope with a glass of wine constantly at my side.
My three year chug chihuahua/pug Hope. I love this animal more than most people I know.
Its my vice I’m sorry to say. “Just one more glass”, is the biggest joke I tell to myself I’ve concluded. But with new medication I’ve learned to quit obsessing as much over these little worries. So what if I have that extra glass of wine or cake? I’ve learned to live unpredictably because life is unpredictable. All one can do is get up in the morning and push through the day. If you can make it home and feel that sense of calm and peace I think it’s a day well accomplished. Living with my parents can have its ups and downs but it’s nice to live with that support system. I’m also very lucky that they are my best friends. And the room next to me is my younger brother by two years. It’s really important for people like me to have people in their lives that they can trust.
Me and my beyond amazing family celebrating my 23rd Birthday at the Bavarian Grill doing what we do best. Left to right (Me, my mother looking scared, my dad looking scared, my silly brother, and my gorgeous sister).
My brother I would trust with anything. It’s a tough life having a mind like I do, but it’s also a deep blessing to be as at-tentative to things around me as much as I am. I’ve turned it into writing. It helps me clear a lot of those bad thoughts into something creative and thought provoking. I highly recommend writing or any type of creative outlet you desire to help release stress of all kinds. Once you do it you release what you didn’t realize was there and find it’s hard to stop. I’ll start writing a story that I didn’t think would get anywhere but I’m already at five pages. It’s like, where did that come from? And it’s really empowering. And it helps to have the people in my life that I do. Tonight I’ll be finishing a weekly marathon of Lord of the Rings with my brother. There is a lot of my future I’m uncertain of but I know tonight will provide me with wine, snacks, and a box of tissues. They’re little things. And that to me is the real key to happiness.
My brother and I at the premiere of The Hobbit Part 3: Battle of the Five Armies. Hardcore nerds.